Co-Dependent

I was a ship on a voyage
You were my anchor
Slowing me down,
Stopping me if needed be

I was the flowing paper
In the office with the ajar window
And you were my nifty paperweight

I backpedalled and turned into a needy infant
And you were the breast I needed to wean from

I was the body
That filled the recliner
And you asked me, “how far back?”
I was the house
And you were the protective yard dog
Ready to jump if I said, “attack!”

I was the ceiling
And you were the columns
Carrying my weight
Never allowing me to cave in
And as they walked on me
You tried to teach me to trust the walls
You tried to tell me the wall wouldn’t let me fall

I was the obese
And you were my savior
Of an emotional eater
Fuck it
I’ll admit it
I was the addict
And you were my drug
Dope feigning my way through life
But it was okay
It was you who I loved

You were my confidence
Because I believed everything you said
You were my hope
Because you were everything that I had dreamt
And with every word that I said
Every phonetic was deeply and sincerely meant

And you made a decision
You cut me with such careful precision
And quickly I became kin to an elderly on life-support
And you were my
Automated external defibrillator
Sending an electrical shock to my faint heart

But you cut me off

So I had to learn how to breathe again
Had to pump blood through my lower ventricles
To my upper atriums
And out of my aorta
And teach my heart how to beat again
I had to open my eyes
And adjust my vision
I had to learn how to see again
Q-tip to my ears
I had to clear way
So I can begin to listen
I had to confide in my knowing voice
I had to speak up, speak loud
I had to learn how to speak again
I had to trust in the nearest wall
Long enough for me to lean on
And learn how to walk again
One foot in front of the other
Building the muscles in my feeble legs
Enough to carry me through
And on my own
I had to do it alone.

They Say: "Trust Is like a Vase..."

*“Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”*

When we decided we would be
What ultimately became what we were
I made the conscious decision
To trust you.
I mean stand by the teetering edge
And trust you...
Skydiving out the plane
With no parachute
I've even stood on one leg
And thought you had me
Cause I just knew if I'd fall
You would catch me
Having full confidence in you to not let me fall...

But baby, you let me fall...
hard

You've created this monster
I'm on beast mode
Facebook watcher
Twitter stalking
Can't just let it go
Can't get over this betrayal
... And maybe I never will
But I'm mad you turned me into
The old me
And I'm having a tough time
Shaking him up off me
He's clinging on
I'm a breast and a nipple
This person
He disturbed me
Like water to a ripple

And he knows more than you would
The crazy thoughts that consumed me
The ones that drove me
To pick up phones
And look through them
Show up unannounced
Cause I just knew
something
Was going on
Cause I didn't trust my lovers
I could have sworn they took to bed with another
So I would get on blackplanet...
Yes I said blackplanet!
And sign on their accounts
And I would read about
All their whereabouts
and discretions
Email after email
And I sat back and watched them fail
As I became more crazy than a dog in heat
Because I thought... So foolishly
That they loved me
Whole heartedly

Now I'm sitting here
With these bricks and cement
Building back up this wall
That all this time I have spent
Trying to break down
All this time trying to figure out
What to do with this wall
So cleverly built around my aching heart
I bulldozed it down
And it was hard to do that part
But I let that fear of flying go
And I let the wind blow
Between my fingers and my toes
I had trusted you with my all
For you to go downtown
With someone you didn't even care for

But I will forgive, I just can't forget
It’s like the pain
That just won't leave
In my lower back
They say time heals all wounds
And I'm going to let it do just that

Untitled

What happened to your
Strong will?
I grew bored of this world
You give me no thrill
When did you begin
To take things so seriously
Living life through another-
Vicariously
In this cinematic story
Where is the climax?
No story to tell
Of love lost
No romance
I cannot wait around
Sitting by the windowsill
Watching the weeds
Grow among the hedges
Knowing that when
I am decrepit
No longer up for it
I will regret
Not living my life

Night's Embrace (Alter-Ego)

I bid farewell to sun set
And said hello to goodnight
Inhaled the sweet air
Of the illuminating night
To much of my surprise
I was undergoing transition
Like a werewolf to the moon
I became someone else on a mission
With the same brown face
And the same black pupils
Long fingers
And a taste on my tongue of honeysuckle
And a berry said to be venomous
I took a bite nonetheless

No one knows the change but I
And I'd like to keep it that way
But this whole other person
Is a hazard to myself
Like P!nk
"Don't let me get me"
I must pull the brakes
On this spiraling roller coaster
Of self-destruction
I must engage in battle
And do away with this raging hindering obstruction

This phantom takes over my mind and hides in my skin
Making it almost impossible
For an outsider to notice what's within
He borrows my charm
And gives it back to me by dawn
And smiles my smile
The good in me he mourns
He talks of lust, and sex, and love
And he cuss'
Mouth of a sailor
He's a rebel with no cause
Swear words spew out his lips
The way vomit does
He's fueled by unwelcomed desires coupled with my hearts inadequacies and self doubts
Feeding off of them
He knows what I'm all about
He is nosy he pricks and prods
Digging for truths
In my brain
Where lays hidden my deepest sorrows
Secrets of self loathe
And my leftover personals

For me he wants to give a toast:

Champagne in the air
He tells me he is a criminal
He will steal my mind and my body
And do away with my spirit
He says he doesn't need it
He tells me he will put me on a path
Where I will lose my way
He tells me tomorrow will be a very very dark day
He says he deciphers me easy
No matter how hard I try
I’m a riddle decoded
Give up, give up
On my back he wants me to lie
He tells me
You’re fighting a losing battle
So for me he gives a toast
Cheers to who I will become
Dangerous and lost of hope
One son of a gun
In a need of a pope

And with that he raises his glass
And smiles a smile I've never grinned
And this is where I begin
To take a deep look within
This is not I; the one who just grinned
I noticed this spirit of evil
Who else but the devil
Trying to break me down
Even with my same face
The color of brown
Attacking me at my lowest
In a time of need
But he didn't care for my spirit
If he had noticed it is resilient indeed

So I put my foot down
And told him that I have had enough
Of the wayward nights
Where he would suddenly pop up
Whispering naughty things
I wouldn't dare speak
At first I asked nicely
Would he leave me please?
Which was said so politely
But he bitched and moaned
He grew persistent and mighty
I told him if he's gonna fuck with me
He better tread lightly
And I must admit
It took me a while to get it
There were a few times I gave in
To his cat calls and desires
But one day I awoke
And fought off this addiction
Followed by a written prescription:

I must first start to love myself
With a powerful deep conviction

So I pulled myself out
Of the alluring fires
Where I was dazzled and bewitched
By the nylon lights
That was blinding me
And swayed by the smoke dancing before my eyes
Ignoring my inner cries
To break free from this self-incriminating fetter
I told myself over and over
That I could do so so much better
Instead of bidding farewell to sunset this time
I said a short goodbye to the darkness of the night; my alter ego
May you perish and keep the company of Hitler and all other evil people
I walked passed the devil
And asked him to pardon me
I will win this battle
I dared him to try me
It wasn't long before I found
The god in me
And I loved him fiercely
Mind body and spirit
Whole heartedly

Did You Know I Was Black?

Did you know I was black
Before I said it?
Before I called George W. Bush
A racist and meant it?
Did you know I was black
Before they put it on my birth
Certificate?
Before I was old enough
To decide on who or what I wanted to be represented
Did you know I was black
Through my style of writing?
Before you heard me speak with
So much conviction
With a force of lightning?
Did you know I was black
Before I voted for Obama
During the 2008 election?
Before they labeled me
And put me in the African
American Literature section?
Did you know I was black
Before you seen me
Speaking of unfair class system's
Oppression and poverty?
Before you heard me complaining
Of how much I get paid hourly?
Did you know I was black
When you heard me speak?
Before you realized how eloquently and articulate I was
Do you see what this black English vernacular
Does?
Did you know I was black
When you found out
I like watermelon and fried chicken?
Before you thought it was funny
To stereotype us as Aunt Jemima's,
Uncle Tom's
And what the hell is wrong with fried chicken?
Did you know I was black
From the black Jesus hanging up
On my wall
Because the bible says he was fair skinned
With the hair of wool...
Did you know I was black
Before you turned around to glare
At me and my friends due to our loud chatter?
Tell me now
Does all of this even fucking matter

Jasmine Mans "Nicki Minaj"

Jasmin Mans spoken word on Nicki Minaj entitled "Nicki Minaj" One. I absolutely love this poem! This woman is asking for more out of Nicki being a black female MC. I can respect that. In fact we were studying this same sort of aesthetic recently in the form of black art in my class. Although I think people put to much expectation on one female to represent woman as a whole. That is just impossible. Nicki is no Queen Latifa, nor Lauryn Hill nor would we appreciate her if she was a copy of such.

Check out the lyrics to Jasmin Mans poem below:

You are being traded paper in exchange for you to be plastic

All Dolls will eventually mal-function

(I don’t even know why you girls bother at this point like give it up, it ‘s me I win you lose)

Nicki MInaj,

(It’s me)

I must admit

(Its, its me)

I have always been intrigued by your ass,

I guess that’s what the world looked like after falling from your shoulders.

(Like give it up)

You have the heartbeat of a suicide bomber

A baseline breathing out of your pulse

Your thighs play storage for the weight of the world

I dreamt that you used to back pack, the lost raps, of Female MCs who could not find their way out the cipher

(Its just like I single handedly annihilated like every rape bitch in the building)

Traded in your crown for unsharpened pencils and blank CDs

(Like give it up)

Do you ever feel a cord gripping on your neck, choke, spit?

Don’t let this industry f*ck the Assata out of you

(Harijuku-Barbie)

Can and will never be code for queen

You are a Queen no matter how many times they try to shuffle you back in tape decks.

Bi Sex, straight, you’ve earned my respect

(You da Bestest)

But I know your spine binds and crooked lines

And you can’t seem to write a rhyme for your broken daughters

Slaughter, bent over back, ass cracked, bitch slapped, in videos

There is nothing pedal bike pretty about broken

Do you know what this media is trying to do to you?

They will porcelain

(Barbie)

Doll the shit out of you

Leave you noose necked hanging from Zion they will Lauryn Hill you

The mis-education of a Barbie doll coming soon

(I just had an epiphany)

Barbie, I think NYC is making you forget you come from Queens

Its scary when you have wack MCs trying to ghost write your obituary

(You should buy a 16 cuz I write it good)

Your existence is not recyclable to me

(Barbie)

Stop spitting me toy stories

Of Woodys and Buzzlight Years who only come alive when no body is watching

Fake breast

Once upon a time before puberty and tissue filled training bras all little girls wanted a toy chest

What do you treasure? *

You have turned your G-spot into a land-mind

Dirty, disgusting

We have been waiting centuries for a woman like you to carve your stiletto in history

This microphone is not a dildo so you are going to have to cum a little harder than that,

(I, win, I win, you lose)

Come a little harder for rap

Too many women before you have laid down tracks — UNIT…Y?

So you wouldn’t have to record your on your back

Spit some shit it for girls who kiss girls and got beat down to their backs

We will remember you for that

Lips sync your screams and remember your inflections and copyright your raps

MC

(Barbie)

For young money anyone can buy themselves their own ( I’m Nick Minaj, Nicki Lewinski, Nicki Barbie, the boss)

Crown, Vagina, Womanhood, and Talent,

All Sold separately

(Barbie)

You are being stabbed in the back

Inserted with a wind up string and a tag?

(R, R, R, Roger that)

Yo Te Amabas

Listen to the Spanish guitar
As it plays
The un-resounding, unrelenting
Sufferings of my heart
Hear the chords of a song
Filled with pain
Of a dying love
Watch the blood pour
And let it stain the pavements
And watch me walk away
As it dries
Past this hurt
This pain
Strum someone else’s strings
I'm out of tune
All I have left are
Songs of sorrow
And blues
Balido...
Y nunca volverá