A Moment in Introspection

It’s been several months since I have posted anything on here, and in those few months so much has changed. While change can be a good thing I have realized change is something that is hard to get accustomed to. I have been slowly but surely learning how to wean myself from people I depend on, whether it be consciously or subconsciously. One of my biggest flaws is my dependence on things, from my substance abuse to my co-dependency in people. I am trying to get to a point where I can stand on my own two feet. I look around and all of my peers seemed to have surpassed me on professional and personal levels. Being my own worst critic I get down on myself a lot because of it, but my mom always said I work at my own pace. I believe the most frustrating thing about it for me is that it is not as easy as snapping my finger or simply telling myself to do it, but like with anything new I have to put myself out there and try it.

I was just perusing through my catalog of poetry and LOVE seems to be such a ubiquitous fixture in my literary work. It made me think about my past relationships and how I have grown since as a person. I believe I loved love so much in my past that I loved love even when it hurt, because even when I knew that that love was no good for me, or even right for me at that particular moment, I stayed just to be in love. Now, that there is some deep shit. I can only hope that I am learning from these experiences, but every once in while I get caught up in my past. And while its okay to revisit HIStory (MYstory) it is never okay for me to repeat it. There is this wonderful quote by Maya Angelou that I live by when dealing with my sobriety. “When you know better you do better.” Now I’m just on this path of trying to do better in life and in love. I cannot get caught and entangled by thoughts of my past and what I could and should have done. What is done is did. All I can do now is look up at my future ahead and so far its on track to be a good one.

Celebri-itism

Fame is my religion
I am spiritual and religious
I'm a 21st century illegitimate reporter
Cause I can tell you everything
That's happening
From Canada to the southern border
And I'm not talking about no hard news, that "real news"
I'm talking about the things that truly matter
Like Lindsay Lohans remaining days in rehab
And why Fergie couldn't hold her bladder.
While most people may judge me
And say I'm nothing but gossip and idle chatter
This is the world we live in
Where celebrities are glorified
Whose daily lives have quickly become of significance
Rising upon the ladder.
And while I wait for the billboard charts to update their data
I'm online reading up on Will & Jada
Did you know the Beckams
Finally gave birth to a baby girl?
They named her Harper Seven
I read about it in a magazine
At the nearest seven/eleven.
I'm still distraught that MTV cut out all their music videos
I'm online as we speak writing out a petition
I'll make a formal announcement
Soon on your local radios.
I must say Britney Spears, "you drive me crazy"
When K.Fed left you, and you were "falling off the edge of your mind,"
When you shaved your head bald
And started dressing as if you were blind
I was buying every magazine you were featured on at that time.
I was obsessed!
Thank god for the paparazzi!
They kept me up to date on your happenings
I was on it like a tamagotchi
Even though they would be partially responsible for your untimely demise
Think about it, you would have gone out with a bang
Like Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana
Living in the afterlife
Like the vampire Lestat from
A novel written by Anne Rice
While I dream of vacationing with the superstars like Hanna Montana
Laid out on the beach in the Hamptons
And sipping drinks in my cabana
I’m too much of a recluse
I need to stay home
And watch my E! News
I keep pressing "refresh" on Perez Hilton's page
Just to stay up to date
If you are busy with work and kids to keep up, don't be bitter
You can follow me @TupacIsAlive on twitter
So now your judging me because I know all the names of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitts kids
I won't give you the satisfaction
I don't know not one person who doesn't know Maddox, Pax, Zahara, Shiloh, Knox, and Vivienne
And OMG did you hear about Charlie Sheen?
That dude is coocoo for coco puffs
Popping pills for the both of us!
I usually skip over CNN and the fox 5 news, although I sometimes catch The View
I usually watch their "Hot Topics" and then turn the channel
And look for something new
In celebrity news
So I hear Marc Anthony and J.Lo
Are getting a divorce?
Well...It's only a matter of months until she finds another man to court
This is almost as big as
Prince changing his name to a symbol
And we had to refer to him as
"The artist formerly known as Prince"
Maybe it's all irrelevant
But fuck it
I'm a rolling stone
Bee bopping to the sounds
Of my Lil’ Wayne's and Beyoncé’s
I hear my stomach growl
I think I'm hungry
Nicki Minaj said,
"Put some ranch I’m getting the munchies,
I think Ill have a rap bitch for my entree"
But before I go
Rest in peace goes out to Michael
You will be dearly missed
I'm still trying to learn the dance moves to "Remember The Time" and "Smooth Criminal"
All praises go out to Lady Gaga
She brought pop back
And judging from her Facebook it seems everybody "likes" that.

Co-Dependent

I was a ship on a voyage
You were my anchor
Slowing me down,
Stopping me if needed be

I was the flowing paper
In the office with the ajar window
And you were my nifty paperweight

I backpedalled and turned into a needy infant
And you were the breast I needed to wean from

I was the body
That filled the recliner
And you asked me, “how far back?”
I was the house
And you were the protective yard dog
Ready to jump if I said, “attack!”

I was the ceiling
And you were the columns
Carrying my weight
Never allowing me to cave in
And as they walked on me
You tried to teach me to trust the walls
You tried to tell me the wall wouldn’t let me fall

I was the obese
And you were my savior
Of an emotional eater
Fuck it
I’ll admit it
I was the addict
And you were my drug
Dope feigning my way through life
But it was okay
It was you who I loved

You were my confidence
Because I believed everything you said
You were my hope
Because you were everything that I had dreamt
And with every word that I said
Every phonetic was deeply and sincerely meant

And you made a decision
You cut me with such careful precision
And quickly I became kin to an elderly on life-support
And you were my
Automated external defibrillator
Sending an electrical shock to my faint heart

But you cut me off

So I had to learn how to breathe again
Had to pump blood through my lower ventricles
To my upper atriums
And out of my aorta
And teach my heart how to beat again
I had to open my eyes
And adjust my vision
I had to learn how to see again
Q-tip to my ears
I had to clear way
So I can begin to listen
I had to confide in my knowing voice
I had to speak up, speak loud
I had to learn how to speak again
I had to trust in the nearest wall
Long enough for me to lean on
And learn how to walk again
One foot in front of the other
Building the muscles in my feeble legs
Enough to carry me through
And on my own
I had to do it alone.

They Say: "Trust Is like a Vase..."

*“Trust is like a vase.. once it's broken, though you can fix it the vase will never be same again.”*

When we decided we would be
What ultimately became what we were
I made the conscious decision
To trust you.
I mean stand by the teetering edge
And trust you...
Skydiving out the plane
With no parachute
I've even stood on one leg
And thought you had me
Cause I just knew if I'd fall
You would catch me
Having full confidence in you to not let me fall...

But baby, you let me fall...
hard

You've created this monster
I'm on beast mode
Facebook watcher
Twitter stalking
Can't just let it go
Can't get over this betrayal
... And maybe I never will
But I'm mad you turned me into
The old me
And I'm having a tough time
Shaking him up off me
He's clinging on
I'm a breast and a nipple
This person
He disturbed me
Like water to a ripple

And he knows more than you would
The crazy thoughts that consumed me
The ones that drove me
To pick up phones
And look through them
Show up unannounced
Cause I just knew
something
Was going on
Cause I didn't trust my lovers
I could have sworn they took to bed with another
So I would get on blackplanet...
Yes I said blackplanet!
And sign on their accounts
And I would read about
All their whereabouts
and discretions
Email after email
And I sat back and watched them fail
As I became more crazy than a dog in heat
Because I thought... So foolishly
That they loved me
Whole heartedly

Now I'm sitting here
With these bricks and cement
Building back up this wall
That all this time I have spent
Trying to break down
All this time trying to figure out
What to do with this wall
So cleverly built around my aching heart
I bulldozed it down
And it was hard to do that part
But I let that fear of flying go
And I let the wind blow
Between my fingers and my toes
I had trusted you with my all
For you to go downtown
With someone you didn't even care for

But I will forgive, I just can't forget
It’s like the pain
That just won't leave
In my lower back
They say time heals all wounds
And I'm going to let it do just that

Untitled

What happened to your
Strong will?
I grew bored of this world
You give me no thrill
When did you begin
To take things so seriously
Living life through another-
Vicariously
In this cinematic story
Where is the climax?
No story to tell
Of love lost
No romance
I cannot wait around
Sitting by the windowsill
Watching the weeds
Grow among the hedges
Knowing that when
I am decrepit
No longer up for it
I will regret
Not living my life

Night's Embrace (Alter-Ego)

I bid farewell to sun set
And said hello to goodnight
Inhaled the sweet air
Of the illuminating night
To much of my surprise
I was undergoing transition
Like a werewolf to the moon
I became someone else on a mission
With the same brown face
And the same black pupils
Long fingers
And a taste on my tongue of honeysuckle
And a berry said to be venomous
I took a bite nonetheless

No one knows the change but I
And I'd like to keep it that way
But this whole other person
Is a hazard to myself
Like P!nk
"Don't let me get me"
I must pull the brakes
On this spiraling roller coaster
Of self-destruction
I must engage in battle
And do away with this raging hindering obstruction

This phantom takes over my mind and hides in my skin
Making it almost impossible
For an outsider to notice what's within
He borrows my charm
And gives it back to me by dawn
And smiles my smile
The good in me he mourns
He talks of lust, and sex, and love
And he cuss'
Mouth of a sailor
He's a rebel with no cause
Swear words spew out his lips
The way vomit does
He's fueled by unwelcomed desires coupled with my hearts inadequacies and self doubts
Feeding off of them
He knows what I'm all about
He is nosy he pricks and prods
Digging for truths
In my brain
Where lays hidden my deepest sorrows
Secrets of self loathe
And my leftover personals

For me he wants to give a toast:

Champagne in the air
He tells me he is a criminal
He will steal my mind and my body
And do away with my spirit
He says he doesn't need it
He tells me he will put me on a path
Where I will lose my way
He tells me tomorrow will be a very very dark day
He says he deciphers me easy
No matter how hard I try
I’m a riddle decoded
Give up, give up
On my back he wants me to lie
He tells me
You’re fighting a losing battle
So for me he gives a toast
Cheers to who I will become
Dangerous and lost of hope
One son of a gun
In a need of a pope

And with that he raises his glass
And smiles a smile I've never grinned
And this is where I begin
To take a deep look within
This is not I; the one who just grinned
I noticed this spirit of evil
Who else but the devil
Trying to break me down
Even with my same face
The color of brown
Attacking me at my lowest
In a time of need
But he didn't care for my spirit
If he had noticed it is resilient indeed

So I put my foot down
And told him that I have had enough
Of the wayward nights
Where he would suddenly pop up
Whispering naughty things
I wouldn't dare speak
At first I asked nicely
Would he leave me please?
Which was said so politely
But he bitched and moaned
He grew persistent and mighty
I told him if he's gonna fuck with me
He better tread lightly
And I must admit
It took me a while to get it
There were a few times I gave in
To his cat calls and desires
But one day I awoke
And fought off this addiction
Followed by a written prescription:

I must first start to love myself
With a powerful deep conviction

So I pulled myself out
Of the alluring fires
Where I was dazzled and bewitched
By the nylon lights
That was blinding me
And swayed by the smoke dancing before my eyes
Ignoring my inner cries
To break free from this self-incriminating fetter
I told myself over and over
That I could do so so much better
Instead of bidding farewell to sunset this time
I said a short goodbye to the darkness of the night; my alter ego
May you perish and keep the company of Hitler and all other evil people
I walked passed the devil
And asked him to pardon me
I will win this battle
I dared him to try me
It wasn't long before I found
The god in me
And I loved him fiercely
Mind body and spirit
Whole heartedly

Did You Know I Was Black?

Did you know I was black
Before I said it?
Before I called George W. Bush
A racist and meant it?
Did you know I was black
Before they put it on my birth
Certificate?
Before I was old enough
To decide on who or what I wanted to be represented
Did you know I was black
Through my style of writing?
Before you heard me speak with
So much conviction
With a force of lightning?
Did you know I was black
Before I voted for Obama
During the 2008 election?
Before they labeled me
And put me in the African
American Literature section?
Did you know I was black
Before you seen me
Speaking of unfair class system's
Oppression and poverty?
Before you heard me complaining
Of how much I get paid hourly?
Did you know I was black
When you heard me speak?
Before you realized how eloquently and articulate I was
Do you see what this black English vernacular
Does?
Did you know I was black
When you found out
I like watermelon and fried chicken?
Before you thought it was funny
To stereotype us as Aunt Jemima's,
Uncle Tom's
And what the hell is wrong with fried chicken?
Did you know I was black
From the black Jesus hanging up
On my wall
Because the bible says he was fair skinned
With the hair of wool...
Did you know I was black
Before you turned around to glare
At me and my friends due to our loud chatter?
Tell me now
Does all of this even fucking matter